10 signs you're a helicopter parent, 9 steps to breaking the habit, and why it matters to your child's future happiness (Essay & Questions)
Dr. Cara Goodwin shares research-based insights explaining why and how helicopter parenting is bad for kids, how to know if we're doing it, and steps to stop and engage in more positive ways.
Good morning! For my newer subscribers, I periodically do a feature called “Essay (&) Questions,” where I share some of the main points in a really thoughtful parenting piece and then ask some reflection questions about it. As it takes a great deal of time and thought, this is a feature for paid subscribers only (but it only costs $5.00 a month)!
I always think the pieces I chose for this feature are interesting or informative, but today’s is particularly useful.
We have all, no doubt, heard about helicopter parenting. We have also likely heard that the children of helicopter parents face a whole host of ill effects that, unlike most adolescent bumps and struggles, will not simply get better with time.
However, while we may hear about this term frequently, it is hard to know for sure if one is a helicopter parent, and given the potential harm to our child, it is worth exploring.
One of my favorite parenting writers is Dr. Cara Goodwin of the Parenting Translator. A licensed psychologist and mother, Dr. Goodwin takes current parenting research and translates it into language that the layperson can understand.
Dr. Goodwin has shared some really important pieces about helicopter parenting. In one, she discussed research-based ways to help parents know if they are being helicopter parents. In a subsequent piece, she discussed some of the negative outcomes this parenting style can have on children.
I’ll get to the second piece later, but for today I wanted to share her work on discerning whether we—you and I—are engaged in helicopter parenting. And, please note, that I use the phrase, “engaged in helicopter parenting” because I like to use phrases like these as descriptions of actions, not as descriptions of who we are. If I think of myself as a helicopter parent, it might be hard for me to change. But if I think of myself as a parent who sometimes engages in helicopter parenting, there is a subtle difference, one that I believe empowers me and allows me to change.
You can read the entire piece here: Are You a Helicopter Parent? The research behind being an involved parent without becoming a helicopter parent.
One of the things I love about Dr. Goodwin’s work is that she comes at it with great of empathy as well as scientific clarity. She notes, for example, that today’s parents face a lot of conflicting messages and pressures that lead us to be highly involved.
There is a key statistic she shares that illuminates why this is such a challenge for us today, as opposed to parents in years past:
The norm for parents now is simply to be more involved in the lives of their children. In fact, research shows that parents now spend nearly twice as much time with their children compared to parents 50 years ago.
This increased involvement certainly has good outcomes:
Specifically, research finds that parent involvement is associated with many positive benefits, including improved well-being, more advanced academic and social-emotional skills, fewer symptoms of depression or anxiety or behavior problems, and improved social skills. Parents being more responsive to their children is linked to improved executive functioning, language development, and social-emotional development.
Still, this increased engagement leads us to a dilemma:
So how do you balance this as a parent— how can you be involved and engaged without “helicoptering”? How do you know if you are a “helicopter parent” or simply an involved parent who wants the best for your child?
What exactly is helicopter parenting? Well, there is research on that. In fact, helicopter parenting is a
concept that has been studied pretty extensively in research. Helicopter parenting is a style of parenting that involves parents that are excessively involved and controlling of their children. One study defined it as:
“overly involved and protective parents who constantly communicate with their children, intervene in their children’s affairs, make decisions for their children, personally invest in their children’s goals, and remove obstacles their children encounter” (emphasis mine).
It is likely, upon reading that definition, that we might shake it off (”I don’t do those things!”) or rationalize a bit (“I only intervene when it’s important!”)
Luckily, according to Dr. Goodwin, there are research-based ways to help determine if one is a helicopter parent.
Before I share the research, however, I just want to say that I believe most of us who are parenting today probably lean toward helicopter parenting. There are complicated reasons for that. And a lot of it comes out of genuine love and care. So there’s nothing to be ashamed of here.
However, it is really bad for our kids, so it’s a sign of selfless, genuine love if we can stop doing this. It’s worth a clear-eyed, sober, honest look—and serious follow-up efforts.
Here are some research-based signs that indicate we are engaging in helicopter parenting:
Researchers use questionnaires such as the Helicopter Parenting Instrument (HPI) to measure the extent to which parents show helicopter parenting. According to this questionnaire, you might be a helicopter parent if you:
Make all major decisions for your child and discourage them from making a decision you disagree with
Regularly complete tasks of daily living for your child that they are capable of doing on their own (for example, dressing them or helping them to remember things for school)
Overreact or become very upset when your child experiences something negative
Invest more time and energy into your child’s school assignments or activities than they do
Step in to try to “save” them from difficulty
Feel like a bad parent when your child makes poor choices
Try to “fix” any difficult situation