12 tips to help parents of teens during the holidays (or any extended school breaks and increased family time)

Extended time at home, weekends, etc., can be fun—but they can pose unique challenges for adolescents

Extended family time is wonderful! It can also be tricky for kids, particularly young teens. With the winter holidays upon us, it is good to remember that children of all ages have unique developmental needs that might pose challenges for parents, but in my experience, this is especially true for teens, who can seem very moody and temperamental over breaks from school. Less structure and increased free time and family proximity can provide some significant potential challenges for teens and pitfalls for parents.

It is worth thinking through some of these potential pitfalls, places where things can go wrong during these times. Parents—particularly those with adolescent children—can take some simple steps to make these times happier and more successful.

I learned most of this the hard way. While I have memories of happy, meaningful family times, there were plenty of very unpleasant interactions, times when my attempts to connect with my children (or my parents to connect with me) ended badly. As a door slammed down the hall and angry mutters or yells filled the house, my wife and I would look at each other with wide-eyed wonder. “What just happened?” 

Having learned a lot the hard way, here are 12 of the things I have learned to keep in mind when you have teens over extended school breaks.

1. Moving from their school routine may cause some emotional dislocation and disorientation

   Even if your child does not like school, they are almost certainly used to a routine and structure. This is how they live vast portions of their lives.

   They might not know that, and if they know it, they may not like that routine. Nevertheless, moving from a highly structured, prescribed routine to very little can be emotionally disorienting at best, even if they can’t name it. Different kids may react to this differently, but it’s not uncommon for there to be some mood swings or even a sense of feeling down as school suddenly shifts down (and again, when it suddenly shifts back into gear). Sometimes kids can be thrilled to be out of school but might still feel a bit down or up-and-down.

   There is also the fact that sleep schedules can be thrown off quickly. That alone can have a big impact.

   
   Beyond that, even if they love the family, that doesn’t mean they are going to necessarily want to spend huge amounts of time with that family.

   Allow for all of this, and price it into the holiday plans. If there is something special you are hoping to do that requires buy-in from your teen, maybe give a few days to adjust to the break before putting them in a situation which demands their best efforts.

2. Perfect holidays/vacations are neither possible nor healthy to strive for—but imperfect doesn’t mean bad.

Years ago, we had a unique window in our family’s growth. We had one Christmas where, because of the ages of our kids, we were all going to be together for the last time for the foreseeable future. My wife and I unwisely made too much of this and our kids ended up feeling lots of pressure. It turned out not to be the happiest of our holidays.

Parents often put pressure on themselves and the kids to have a really great break, vacation, Christmas, whatever. This pressure can quickly lead to tension that causes lots of stress and makes the experience less-than-happy.

Don’t think in terms that require everyone to live up to some unique state of being. Don’t define success as being more than human, or more than realistic. Just enjoy the time—enjoy each other. A messy, imperfect holiday where people can enjoy each other without lots of pressure will build far better experiences and memories.

This is all true generally, but don’t put pressure on teens! That’s not wise for many reasons, mostly because they are not always in full control of their feelings, nor are they even aware of all their feelings, let alone the “why” of those feelings.

3. Parents often see the value and utility of weekends and breaks very differently than teens.

I suspect most parents have tried to reach out to their teen, excited to bond or have a meaningful interaction, only to encounter something ranging from apathy to hostility, sometimes accompanied by a bewildering display of emotion. This can happen any time, but seems especially likely during times that adults identify as family time.

On so many occasions my wife and I stared at each other in stunned, horrified silence, trying to understand why our sincere attempt to have a meaningful interaction had ended with bedroom doors slamming.

 Sometimes we simply wanted to connect and bond. Other times, we thought the holidays or breaks might allow for an important discussion, like college applications or talks about social media use, etc.

The good news is that there are ways to optimize your chances to connect. Based on experience at home and school, I’ve learned some principles and tactics that have made a large difference in my ability to connect with my kids, especially during times when there will be more interactions than usual.

In no particular order, here are 9 key principles that have helped me connect and keep peace with the teens at home and school.

4. They see phones/social media as tools.

Teen phone and social media use might seem excessive or frivolous—and it may be. It may even feel that these things are actively interfering with the family time parents envision. But teens may feel isolated over breaks and want to connect peers.

Teen relationships are often tumultuous. It can feel like a full-time job for them to stay abreast of changes and developments with their peers. This can seem urgent to them, and social media is largely how they communicate—an important tool to accomplish what feels like an urgent task.

That’s not to say they are right or wise. They need limits and adult supervision. But understanding their perspective can help in approaching the topic productively and helping them find healthy boundaries.

5. Emotional icebergs

I’ve learned to visualize the teens I parent and teach as emotional icebergs: the vast of majority of what they are living, their thoughts and feelings, are far below the surface. Sometimes teens seems irrational, and sometimes they truly are.

But often, there’s some underlying situation—a worry, a fear. Sometimes, it’s something they can’t name. They often lack the words to articulate their feelings. I remember having so much emotion inside as a teen that language was far too small a pipeline to convey my tumultuous feelings. Thus I had some very emotional outbursts, alternating with times of withdrawal.

Remember that they are flooded with hormones, facing significant changes, and have very little practice managing and processing emotions. Adults have vastly more experience with this, but we still lose our tempers, still get discouraged, frustrated, etc.

Teens are to emotions what very young toddlers are to walking—there is growth and development here, but there is also a lot of trial-and-error.

There’s another thing for parents to remember. We might never know everything they are thinking and feeling. We might never know every problem and worry they have. It is difficult to feel they are holding things back. It can even be painful, especially if the child was formerly communicative and opening.

I’ve seen very caring parents demand access and insist on knowing all that is going on. That is an easy mistake to make, but it is counter-productive. I’ve had to accept that I’ll probably never know all my children and students think and feel. They don’t owe me complete access to their minds and hearts. That is sovereign territory. It’s part of becoming an adult, and this autonomy that must be respected if we are to have healthy relationships.

We can’t demand to be let in, so we need to work to facilitate their trust, and encourage connection and engagement.

If they do let you in, you are on holy ground. Be careful, respectful, and cautious. You are a guest there and you want to be invited back.

6. Give teens their space and don’t take it personally when they want it.

It’s very normal for teens to focus more on peers than parents. Consequently, breaks from school can be challenging for them. Extended family time and fewer outside interruptions can cause teens to miss their friends. They may also be very worried about what they’re missing; this situation makes it difficult for them to relax and be in the moment. 

Parents often see breaks as being synonymous with family time. Teens don’t necessarily see it that way. They may see a break from school as a vacation, and they may not see extra family time as part of that vacation.

Try to understand and give them space. If there’s a way to connect with friends, help facilitate it, especially if they rely on parents to drive.

If they seem to pull away, don’t take it personally. Keep the relationship open from your side; the great news is that they’ll come back. As teens, my kids all lost interest in my wife and me. As they matured, they’ve all returned fully in an emotional sense.

7. Be respectful of their time and emotional state.

Adults dislike being ambushed by our bosses, having our schedules changed, or being trapped in endless meetings. 

And yet, parents sometimes do this to their kids. I know I have often done this. It’s easy to set the terms for interactions, based on our schedule and preferences, then assume the child will be ready and able. We decide it’s time for family time or a game or a discussion about something serious and we want the child to follow our lead.

This isn’t intentional, and I don’t think most of us would see ourselves as unusually domineering, but it’s an easy trap to fall into, in part because we are often so busy.

Kids aren’t always ready for these things, they aren’t prepared, or they simply have other things they’d rather do.

Ironically, there have been many times when I was tired or preoccupied. It seemed reasonable that my child shouldn’t expect my best efforts in such times, that they should give me grace and space. And yet, I frequently expect them to engage, regardless of what they may be preoccupied with.

I believe parents should be in charge; we’re the bosses for a reason. But every good leader understands that one gets better results by trying to adapt to the feelings of those they lead.

Acknowledge that your teen may not be in the mood to talk or interact. That doesn’t make them moody, dramatic, or withdrawn. It just makes them human.

8. Let them prepare for important talks and special family events and give them notice if they are important to you

I’ve stumbled on a tactic that has been almost magical in its success, at home or school. I frequently say:

"I need to talk to you about something. You choose the time, but within the next x days, I need some time. Okay?"

"I need to teach you something. It's not a huge deal, but I need to tell you something that will help you. Can you let me know when you’re ready to hear it?"

“I really want us to have some phone-free family time. When can you be available for one evening?”

"I want to have an adult-level conversation about your social media/chores/attitude/grades/whatever and give you a voice in this situation/decision. But, you have to act like an adult. You get a vote as big as your level of rational engagement. Let me know when you are ready.”

“It would be really important to me to have an evening we all play games. Can you tell me a night that would be good.”

All of these approaches have helped me because they allow the teen time to prepare mentally and emotionally.

9. And shorten a tad?

Adults often tend to say way more than needed, especially with our kids. I do—even though I don't like it when people take my time with things I feel are repetitious. I can't blame my kids for disliking it when I do the same, whether I’m repeating something they need to do better or demanding more of their time.  

In addition to talking too much, we sometimes demand a lot of family time.

We sometimes try to communicate importance by simply repeating something over and over. We sometimes try to ensure quality time by scheduling a large quantity of time.

Don’t confuse quantity with quality. Teens are quick to sense things that are extraneous or hyperbolic. They sense these things, then tune out—and may quickly resent it.

Often, less is more and more is more: frequent short communications have more impact than long, drawn-out discourses.

Lots of short, positive interactions are going to have more impact than a major bonding project.

I once asked a writer friend to look over a long email I was sending. She gave some suggestions, then added, "And shorten a tad?"

Never a bad idea when engaging the adolescents in your life.

10. Make connecting easy, don’t strive for perfection

My five children have different personalities and preferences, from hermit-level introverts to Buddy-the-Elf-style-extroverts. Our ages range from 15 to 50 and no more than two or three people like any activity. After years of failure to find an activity everyone likes, I realized that we all like to eat. So instead of trying to agree on a movie—which has worked maybe three times in 25 years—or an activity, we go out to eat at a restaurant where there’s something for everyone. In this setting, we laugh and talk. It’s unforced and free. Do what works.

11. Accept responsibility for communication and the relationship as a whole

I’ve learned that if I want my teens to listen, I have to work at it. My internal inclination was that they should accommodate me, the adult. Now I see that as being backward. I have more experience, more perspective, and more tools.

This may mean accepting their timetable and their terms. Be ready when they open up. It will probably be at an inconvenient time for you. Sometimes they will send out feelers or trial balloons to see if you really want to hear them, to test your reactions. When they talk, just listen. Before you do anything else, empathize, empathize, and empathize. There’s time later for correction and teaching. True empathy is critical. Above almost all else, most teens crave being understood and loved for who they truly are.

If you don’t respond well to the times when they open up, don’t be afraid to acknowledge your mistakes and ask for another chance. Teens can forgive a great deal, but they value authenticity and transparency and despise inauthentic hypocrisy.

12. Stay engaged

Time and maturity are your allies. Teens will learn how to manage all this, just as they eventually learned to walk or read--especially if we give them time and the tools to do it. Until that happens, keep the relationship open.

Continued engagement over a long time is the secret—not any one activity, conversation, holiday, etc.

Happy parenting—you’ve got this!