12 tips to help parents of teens during the holidays (or any extended school breaks and increased family time)
Extended time at home, weekends, etc., can be fun—but they can pose unique challenges for adolescents
Extended family time is wonderful! It can also be tricky for kids, particularly young teens. With the winter holidays upon us, it is good to remember that children of all ages have unique developmental needs that might pose challenges for parents, but in my experience, this is especially true for teens, who can seem very moody and temperamental over breaks from school. Less structure and increased free time and family proximity can provide some significant potential challenges for teens and pitfalls for parents.
It is worth thinking through some of these potential pitfalls, places where things can go wrong during these times. Parents—particularly those with adolescent children—can take some simple steps to make these times happier and more successful.
I learned most of this the hard way. While I have memories of happy, meaningful family times, there were plenty of very unpleasant interactions, times when my attempts to connect with my children (or my parents to connect with me) ended badly. As a door slammed down the hall and angry mutters or yells filled the house, my wife and I would look at each other with wide-eyed wonder. “What just happened?”
Having learned a lot the hard way, here are 12 of the things I have learned to keep in mind when you have teens over extended school breaks.
Moving from their school routine may cause some emotional dislocation and disorientation
Even if your child does not like school, they are almost certainly used to a routine and structure. This is how they live vast portions of their lives.
They might not know that, and if they know it, they may not like that routine. Nevertheless, moving from a highly structured, prescribed routine to very little can be emotionally disorienting at best, even if they can’t name it. Different kids may react to this differently, but it’s not uncommon for there to be some mood swings or even a sense of feeling down as school suddenly shifts down (and again, when it suddenly shifts back into gear). Sometimes kids can be thrilled to be out of school but might still feel a bit down or up-and-down.
There is also the fact that sleep schedules can be thrown off quickly. That alone can have a big impact.
Beyond that, even if they love the family, that doesn’t mean they are going to necessarily want to spend huge amounts of time with that family.Allow for all of this, and price it into the holiday plans. If there is something special you are hoping to do that requires buy-in from your teen, maybe give a few days to adjust to the break before putting them in a situation which demands their best efforts.
Perfect holidays/vacations are neither possible nor healthy to strive for—but imperfect doesn’t mean bad.
Years ago, we had a unique window in our family’s growth. We had one Christmas where, because of the ages of our kids, we were all going to be together for the last time for the foreseeable future. My wife and I unwisely made too much of this and our kids ended up feeling lots of pressure. It turned out not to be the happiest of our holidays.
Parents often put pressure on themselves and the kids to have a really great break, vacation, Christmas, whatever. This pressure can quickly lead to tension that causes lots of stress and makes the experience less-than-happy.
Don’t think in terms that require everyone to live up to some unique state of being. Don’t define success as being more than human, or more than realistic. Just enjoy the time—enjoy each other. A messy, imperfect holiday where people can enjoy each other without lots of pressure will build far better experiences and memories.
This is all true generally, but don’t put pressure on teens! That’s not wise for many reasons, mostly because they are not always in full control of their feelings, nor are they even aware of all their feelings, let alone the “why” of those feelings.
Parents often see the value and utility of weekends and breaks very differently than teens.
I suspect most parents have tried to reach out to their teen, excited to bond or have a meaningful interaction, only to encounter something ranging from apathy to hostility, sometimes accompanied by a bewildering display of emotion. This can happen any time, but seems especially likely during times that adults identify as family time.
On so many occasions my wife and I stared at each other in stunned, horrified silence, trying to understand why our sincere attempt to have a meaningful interaction had ended with bedroom doors slamming.
Sometimes we simply wanted to connect and bond. Other times, we thought the holidays or breaks might allow for an important discussion, like college applications or talks about social media use, etc.
The good news is that there are ways to optimize your chances to connect. Based on experience at home and school, I’ve learned some principles and tactics that have made a large difference in my ability to connect with my kids, especially during times when there will be more interactions than usual.
In no particular order, here are 9 key principles that have helped me connect and keep peace with the teens at home and school.
They see phones/social media as tools.
Teen phone and social media use might seem excessive or frivolous—and it may be. It may even feel that these things are actively interfering with the family time parents envision. But teens may feel isolated over breaks and want to connect peers.
Teen relationships are often tumultuous. It can feel like a full-time job for them to stay abreast of changes and developments with their peers. This can seem urgent to them, and social media is largely how they communicate—an important tool to accomplish what feels like an urgent task.
That’s not to say they are right or wise. They need limits and adult supervision. But understanding their perspective can help in approaching the topic productively and helping them find healthy boundaries.