Hindsight: 14 things I would do differently to parent adolescents now that my children are mostly grown (and 3 key things to remember).
I have 3 adult/mostly-adult children home for Christmas. I also had a big party with alums the other night. This has me reflecting on what is important when parenting adolescents--and what isn't!
Good morning, dear readers! I hope this finds you well—hopefully cozy and ready to hibernate a bit over the break—or at least in a state of relative calm.
I am sending out my normal Sunday blog today instead of tomorrow as it is Christmas Eve.
I appreciate your patience lately as I have been struggling with some health issues lately. Also, for a choral director, the run-up to the holidays is a busy time.
We have three of our children home for Christmas: one working adult, one early twenty-something in college, and a high school junior.
As they are mostly past adolescence, their presence has reminded me of something important: We are not raising teens or tweens. We are raising adults, and the bulk of our relationship with our children will happen when they are older, not younger. But this time is a key junction because the patterns of interaction we set with our teens will inform the patterns of interactions with our adult children.
I know that seems so very obvious. But it’s one of those things you can understand in your mind and still not fully appreciate or apprehend. Put another way, even if you understand it, that doesn’t make it easy to stay focused on and informed by this reality.
Inevitably, I have been reflecting on what I might do differently—not because things are bad or I feel like I was a terrible parent or because my kids are somehow deficient. To the contrary!
It’s just that now I can see the results. I can see where the adolescent years led, and I see where I might have been more emphatic, systematic, and intentional about some things. I see things that felt like a big deal then are really not now. This, I believe, is one of the hardest things for parents to understand in the moment. Not because we are bad or dumb. Things feel like a big deal because they feel like a big deal! And we often follow our feelings.
But I see now just how often feelings—mine or those of my child—led me astray, diverting important energy down rabbit holes that were just not really that important, and sometimes, because of the lesson the child learned, were actually negative.
An important thing I have learned is this: a lot of the cause for conflicts we have during the teen years will disappear over the years with increased maturity. A lot of the conflicts teens have with their peers will disappear as well. Many—even most—of the things that define our lives with our teens, that cause frustration or tumult or stress—will just resolve with time and maturity.
Our teens will develop better judgment. The brains that have been down for a system update will come back online—with increased and enhanced ability to manage all aspects of their lives. Emotional ups and downs will moderate themselves. They will be better able to manage social challenges and navigate problems. They will be more rational.
What doesn’t change, however, are habits and patterns we have developed.
There are three big things to note here.