Hindsight: 14 things I would do differently to parent adolescents now that my children are mostly grown (and 3 key things to remember).
I have 3 adult/mostly-adult children home for Christmas. I also had a big party with alums the other night. This has me reflecting on what is important when parenting adolescents--and what isn't!
Good morning, dear readers! I hope this finds you well—hopefully cozy and ready to hibernate a bit over the break—or at least in a state of relative calm.
I am sending out my normal Sunday blog today instead of tomorrow as it is Christmas Eve.
I appreciate your patience lately as I have been struggling with some health issues lately. Also, for a choral director, the run-up to the holidays is a busy time.
We have three of our children home for Christmas: one working adult, one early twenty-something in college, and a high school junior.
As they are mostly past adolescence, their presence has reminded me of something important: We are not raising teens or tweens. We are raising adults, and the bulk of our relationship with our children will happen when they are older, not younger. But this time is a key junction because the patterns of interaction we set with our teens will inform the patterns of interactions with our adult children.
I know that seems so very obvious. But it’s one of those things you can understand in your mind and still not fully appreciate or apprehend. Put another way, even if you understand it, that doesn’t make it easy to stay focused on and informed by this reality.
Inevitably, I have been reflecting on what I might do differently—not because things are bad or I feel like I was a terrible parent or because my kids are somehow deficient. To the contrary!
It’s just that now I can see the results. I can see where the adolescent years led, and I see where I might have been more emphatic, systematic, and intentional about some things. I see things that felt like a big deal then are really not now. This, I believe, is one of the hardest things for parents to understand in the moment. Not because we are bad or dumb. Things feel like a big deal because they feel like a big deal! And we often follow our feelings.
But I see now just how often feelings—mine or those of my child—led me astray, diverting important energy down rabbit holes that were just not really that important, and sometimes, because of the lesson the child learned, were actually negative.
An important thing I have learned is this: a lot of the cause for conflicts we have during the teen years will disappear over the years with increased maturity. A lot of the conflicts teens have with their peers will disappear as well. Many—even most—of the things that define our lives with our teens, that cause frustration or tumult or stress—will just resolve with time and maturity.
Our teens will develop better judgment. The brains that have been down for a system update will come back online—with increased and enhanced ability to manage all aspects of their lives. Emotional ups and downs will moderate themselves. They will be better able to manage social challenges and navigate problems. They will be more rational.
What doesn’t change, however, are habits and patterns we have developed.
There are three big things to note here.
While our children will have the capacity to respond to problems and manage their own lives, this won’t happen if they have not practiced it.
There is no magic button that suddenly makes them independent. They have the capacity, but self-management, autonomy, and maturity are skills that have to be practiced.
As a simple analogy, when I cast a play, I know the cast has the talent and ability to do the work well, but that won’t happen without a great deal of practice.
Another way to look at it: At some point, we will simply have to let go and let our kids make their own way. We will not always be able to manage the details of their lives. We will not be able to exert control over their social lives. We will not be able to remind them about important details; we will not be able to intervene, intercede. We will not be able to fix their problems or shape their world to a shape we find congenial.
That will happen. The only question, the only input we get, is when it happens. If it happens in middle school, that is the best and optimal time. There are middle-school-sized challenges for them to solve. And while these may feel and seem enormously high-stakes to us and our children, with time, we will all realize that they really were not. The fact that something causes big emotions does not mean that it is really going to be something with long-term, serious effects.
If we wait until they are in high school, then this will be all the harder for them to adjust. If we wait until they are in college, that will be even more difficult. And if we wait beyond that, we have done our child a grave disservice.
This is a reality that is impressed on me over and over, every day.
Almost every problem that seems like a big deal in adolescence will almost certainly not have much power in just a few years. Emotions—our own or our child’s—are a very flawed guide to what is important.
I had a wonderful opportunity last week. I threw a little party for alumni of our school theatre program. We put the word out on school social media channels, and that brought in a range of ages. I had seniors in college down to people in their first year of high school. I even had some wonderful parents come by!
I knew all of these students well. I was privy to many of their ups and downs during middle school, their struggles and low points, as well as their triumphs and high points. When I refer to their struggles and joys, I mean in the whole context of an adolescent’s life: social struggles, challenges with peers, academic challenges, family dynamics, confidence, self-esteem, romantic endeavors, self-discovery, the developing of their gifts and strengths, etc.
As I talked to these cherished people, asked them about their lives now and what they had been up to, I was struck by two things.
First, it was apparent just how little those struggles still mattered. They were notable by their absence. In other words, their time as young adolescents had been defined by various struggles and challenges as they coped with all that this unique time brings. All of them had struggled in some areas; all had faced their own challenges.
But now, as I heard about their current lives, none of this mattered in the sense that it had power over them anymore. The fact that someone was mean to them, or that they were not a very good friend, or had really struggled in school or had seemed to have nothing going for them—all of these things are just not all present for them.
I don’t mean that they seemed to have gotten over these challenges. Rather, it was sort of like a heavy frost when the sun comes out—it’s just…gone.
The second thing I noticed happened when the conversation inevitably turned to memories. I heard many, many, many stories repeated with laughter, but remembered that at the time it happened, these events brought tears, frustration, anger, or embarrassment. So very many things that at the time seemed to be so very large and serious were now something to look back on and laugh about.
I’m not saying that everything bad or sad will one day be funny—although I am surprised by how much people eventually come to laugh about.
I am saying that there is a very good chance that the momentary emotions we feel in difficult situations will change with time. Thus, the way we—or our child—feels in the moment is very real but that does not mean we should always act on it; real does not mean permanent, useful, or actionable.
I would note that a lot of this can happen on its own, with time, perspective, and maturity. But we can also make this process more likely, more effective, quicker, and more efficient by helping our children learn to be empowered and not to cling to bad things that happen.
Reflecting on my conversations with my beloved alumni and my observations of my own grown children, I see more than ever that what does matter, what matters a great deal, what will last beyond the emotions, stings, and struggles of adolescence, are the attributes and habits the child took with them and made permanent.
If an adolescent never learned to deal with peer problems, if they never had to manage the details of their own lives, if they never had to take care of their own belongings and school supplies, if they were never held accountable for bad behavior, or getting up on time on their own, if they were never expected to help around the house, if they never developed resilience, if they never were coached to develop a thicker skin, if they never learned to communicate effectively, if they were never lovingly but firmly held to account and parented, then they still have these habits and attitudes and patterns of behavior. It’s just that they are bigger, deeper, and more pronounced.
At my party, I was talking to an alum who is now at the Air Force Academy. It’s not easy, but this student seems to be thriving. I don’t base that on what was said, although I got a glowing report, but more on the student’s affect—voice, eyes, posture, etc.
I was remembering that this child’s parents never intervened or interceded. They set high expectations, and part of those expectations were learning to manage emotions and problems. There was a lot of coaching and love, but they parented in such a way that developed grit and resilience.
This is what does matter very much and this is what will not simply grow and fade with time.
I am working really hard to remind myself of this, or rather, recommitting to being conscious and intentional about this.
Remember, in the vast majority of problems they encounter in adolescence, the immediate problem or issue will almost certainly not matter in a year or two. However, the lessons they learn about handling problems, the patterns of interaction they develop, the emotional habits they get into, the independence, grit, and resilience they develop, the communication skills they learn will matter profoundly for the rest of their lives.
Parenting adolescents brings lots of crises—there’s always a fire to put out. But there is great value in being intentional and methodical about establishing lines of communication with your adolescent, realizing that the patterns you set will define your relationship for years to come.
Of course, we can always try to repair and recalibrate and restore, but the reality is that we are creating our future relationship with our child.
Right now, when our children are adolescents, we are in the driver’s seat and we have the power. But the day will come—far sooner than one ever thinks it will—that our child is able to make decisions and live on their own.
At that point, we are, at best, a guide and trusted advisor. We get a say only to the extent the child allows us in. The child very quickly is in the driver’s seat and has the power. Suddenly, we, the parents, find ourselves wanting to be involved in their lives, wanting to know details and give guidance. But this is not always welcome and easily done, even when our relationship with our child is strong.
We will all find ourselves in a time when our child no longer needs us and our ability to continue in a relationship will be based on the love, trust, and goodwill that we have brought.
If I could do one thing differently, I think I would have worked intentionally and systematically to develop protocols and patterns of communication—true communication, where I, the parent listened as much as I talked. I would have worked to be very careful that my children never had cause to doubt—even for a second—that my correction and guidance was done with love.
It’s not that I didn’t do these things or did them badly. I actually really tried. But what I would do is to do them more consciously, consistently, and intentionally.
Conclusion: If I could do it over, here is what I’d focus on or change. Most of it wouldn’t be changing as much as shifting energy and priorities:
I would overlook a lot more things in the moment but focus on larger patterns. I would work to address causes, not symptoms. For example, instead of engaging with a child who was really disrespectful while they were angry, I would, later, pull them aside and say, “This is not okay. I understand being mad, I really do. But it’s not acceptable to talk to your mom or me like that. Now, how can we fix this?” I would also be open to the fact that my interactions to them might make them feel disrespected.
I would work to be conscious of the fact that, as the adult, my greater understanding, experience, emotional intelligence, and power meant that I needed to be extraordinarily careful and that this gave me the greater responsibility in our relationship and all interactions.
I would insist on communicating more, but would do it carefully, in a respectful way that took into account their time and feelings, and that had clear and careful protocols. I would spend a lot more time thinking about to facilitate and encourage this and working to do it well.
I would look at every problem as a chance to help them learn resilience, develop strength and independence. I would say more often, “What are your choices?” “What do you think you can do?” “Is there a way I can help support you?” etc.
I would intervene less and insist on them doing more (and I actually really tried to do this).
I would refuse to bail them out or save the day in large or small ways.
When it came to peers and teachers, I would work to help them understand that their actions have consequences and that their choices always influence the dynamic. And, again, in difficult situations, would help them focus on their choices and focus far less about what anyone else was or wasn’t doing. One thing I have noticed is just how much co-workers and bosses impact a person’s life. Learning to independently manage peers and teachers is one of the best ways I see to prepare for this adult reality.
I would do all I could to provide incentives for things I felt were important, as opposed to just making them do things—even important things.
I tried to say “Okay, I got that wrong. Can we please try again?” often, but I would focus on it even more.
I would do all I could—even if it seemed extreme—to help them see me as someone whose advice and guidance and coaching, even correction, came from love and was not criticism. I tried to do that, but if I had it to do again, I would spend immense and constant energy on this. My goal would be that, in word and action, they simply could not doubt my love. However, when in doubt, I would err on the side of correction, setting boundaries, and coaching and I would err on being a parent, not a peer or a friend.
I would spend more time with them, I would do things they liked to do, I would be at every possible event they were involved in.
I would be lavish with my praise of them and vocal in my pride about them and I would not mind embarrassing them a bit in this regard.
I would watch for problematic patterns of behavior and self-defeating actions like a hawk, but would be far less quick to jump on normal teen emotional blow-ups.
I would be far more intentional about phone use, more actively engaged much sooner and much longer, and I would have worked with them to develop reasonable limits, but I would have insisted on sticking to those limits—especially in teaching them what was polite/respectful phone use in the presence of others.
Happy parenting, you’ve got this, especially with time and maturity as your allies!
Happy holidays!
Sincerely,
Braden
My opinions are my own and do not reflect the view of my employer or any institution I am associated with.
That gathering w alum sounds wonderful! I'm sure you will cherish those memories for a long time.
I 100% agree w what you say here: "Many—even most—of the things that define our lives with our teens, that cause frustration or tumult or stress—will just resolve with time and maturity." I frequently give parents of teens this reassurance now. They have a hard time trusting me (& others) on that point & I get it: it doesn't FEEL at all like those problems will ever resolve and it's only later that we realize what was worth effort & worry and what wasn't. The more I think about it, the more I think that parents of teens really need mentors & support. Happy Holidays, friend!