Hi, everybody. I hope you're doing well today!
This week there's a lot I'm thinking about parenting wise and I’ll be sharing some articles with you about about these things through the week.
Norovirus returns
The most urgent is Norovirus. If you have not heard yet, Norovirus is making a comeback, as happens in the winter months. It's especially acute in places like schools and nursing homes and daycares and places like that.
I most parents don't like hearing it either so I will share an article today or tomorrow that has kind of some expert information and tips. However, the long and the short of it is highly contagious and hand sanitizer is not very effective.
Hand washing—like serious 20 second hand washing—is really the only way to um consistently get rid of it. It’s a tough tough little virus and will stay on surfaces for days. So keep that in mind for teaching your children, but also for your own sake!
It’s a good time to remind your children to be washing their hands a lot. And, while girls may be, on the whole, better at that than boys, I would not assume your girls are doing it either. You should probably also know that many girls spend a lot of time in very close proximity to their friends all day long. So even if they do wash their hands, they are often whispering, playing with hair, laughing, etc.
Raising children to be adults
I continue to be thinking a lot about adult children and how we really should be raising our children to be adults.
That's how they'll spend the bulk of their time. The bulk of their problems will be adult level problems. They will be dealing with other adults. They will need to solve problems in adult ways.
I’ve been thinking about conceptual frameworks or mantras, ways to help us stay aware of that and focused on the goal: what are ideas that we can use to help ourselves in the moment remember this?
For now, this is a little cumbersome, but I’ve have been thinking that when you are in a situation with your child, something you feel requires parental involvement of some kind, try this: before you do anything, start by saying, “What is the long-term lesson that he or she may learn from this experience and and from the way I handle it as a parent?”
What messages am I sending? What am I teaching them, either by what I say or by what I do?
Then, and only then, I would look at the more immediate short term response. Most times in my experience—meaning myself, but also other parents I've seen—we just usually kick into problem-solving mode or we turn into Mama and Papa bear.
We’ve all done this, our child has a problem and our initial impulse is usually to try to solve the problem right away, to address a need, or a perceived problem, danger, or threat. That's instantly what we do.
So I think learning to flip that response: take a few minutes, just like we would tell our child if they're having anger issues, maybe count to 10, calm down.
Then ask try to look at this in two dimensions: First—what is the long-term implication? What is the learning and growth for my child long-term, and not only from their own experience, but from what I model? What will I teach them from how I respond, and if I respond.
Then, think about the immediate, short-term response.
Lighthouses vs. helicopter and SWAT teams
One of the things I've tried to tell parents over the years is that when they're dealing with schools, if you have a complaint or a concern, you can always escalate, but you can never ratchet it back down.
I think that’s a good thing to remember when you're helping your child work through a problem as well. What is the minimum amount of support that they need? Do they really need you to respond, or do they need support and guidance? Do they need coaching or do they need intervention?
I just read something today that I really liked. I don't think this is new, but I only read about it now. Does your child need lighthouse or a helicopter (or a SWAT team)?
A lighthouse is steady, always there. It illuminates. It provides safety and shows the way. It gives continual reassurance and guidance.
It doesn't move and doesn't change, but it's not doing the work.
I find that to be a really helpful guide. I wish I had heard of that when my kids were younger.
How much happens with maturity and how much happens because of parenting?
As I’ve been with my adult children, I've been thinking a lot about how there's certain things that maturity will do for us vs. how much of our child’s future well-being comes down to our parenting.
It is a fact that, if we can hold on long enough, maturity will kick in. The brain will become functional. Emotions will settle down. They'll start having some life experience. Things get so much better just with time.
At the same time, if you don't do anything while your child is growing up, if you just wait for maturity, they will mature with some really bad habits or they will mature without really important, good habits. So you can't just let that happen!
But there are times when you're really able to just say it's “Okay. This is going to be okay in a couple years.”
So what is the way to help people understand that? What's the dividing line?
