Constant, consistent, engaged parenting! My thoughts on how parents might respond to the SG's report and adolescent social media use (Pt. 1)
Almost no danger can harm a teen with engaged, thoughtful parents. Social media is no different.
Note: I am making this particular column free, as I think it is important for parent to hear. That said, it takes a lot of time to write these. If you are able to afford a paid subscription—a mere $5.00 a month or $50.00 a year—I would be grateful. If anything is useful or valuable, your support would help a great deal. If you are not in a position to do this—and I do understand that, believe me—could you please like and especially share? This helps get algorithms working for me. Thank you! BB
For the last few weeks I have done a deep dive into the Surgeon General’s sobering report on adolescents and social media use. I shared what the recent report said about the risks and benefits of social media, as well as some recommendations for parents and kids. You can read those pieces here, here, and here.
My oldest child—and my earliest students—experienced a world without social media or advanced cell phones. It was a time when dial-up internet was still common, although it was beginning to change. My youngest child has grown up in a completely different era, where phones and social media are ubiquitous. My career as an administrator maps almost perfectly with the years that phones and social media went from something that some kids had and did to being almost universal. This has given me a unique perspective and has been an eye-opening experience for me.
I have my own conclusions on the advantages and drawbacks of social media, which I will discuss later. But first, I want to share a few general thoughts on parenting and social media for teens.
Be a parent
If I could tell parents one thing, it would be this: BE A PARENT!
When I took my first directing classes in college, we were often told that a rule of theatre was that 1 minute of content on stage needed to be rehearsed for 1 to 2 hours.
I am not suggesting that for every minute of your child’s social media use, you need to do an hour of parenting.
I am, however, strongly suggesting that when we give a child a phone and provide access, our parenting must be linked to their use of that phone. There should be some ratio of parenting to phone use. Use of a phone requires continued parenting and engagement. Way too many of us—and I include myself—give our child a phone and probably engage for a short time, and then we move on and do nothing unless there is a big problem.
But giving a phone to a child requires consistent, constant parenting. What that looks like will vary in each family and with the age and maturity levels of each kid.
I want to be clear from the start that this is not merely a choice between an exhaustive daily scan of everything they said or did online vs. total, complete freedom with no parent involvement whatsoever.
I have seen parents who sincerely lamented some of the big problems their child was having with a phone or with specific apps. They would talk about this genuine emotion but would shrug and say, “But what can you do? Phones are here to stay,” or, “Well, there’s no way s/he would give up that phone now,” or, “Well, all the other kids have them.”
That drives me crazy. We are the parents! We can do whatever we need and want.
Cars are here to stay, and we don’t allow kids unfettered access, especially if we are concerned that they might hurt themselves or others. Alcohol, drugs, and vapes are here to stay, but we don’t just shrug and throw up our shoulders and give in. We don’t let them eat whatever they want, whenever they want, and in whatever quantities they want.
Phones are no different. They are neutral devices. They are used for good or for bad by humans who have agency and make choices.
We don't have to simply succumb to excesses or to things we feel are bad for our kids. But that means parenting, and it means drawing lines, and it means being willing to have our kids be mad at us and have other parents think we're a little crazy, and so on.
I have mentioned this before, but there are many, many intermediate steps between a total ban and complete, unfettered access. We can work to find intermediate ground that works for our child and our family.
Moreover, you can change and evolve over time. If you have been a little too liberal with access in the past, you can absolutely change that. You're the parent, and you get to decide.
In all this, I would strongly urge you to involve your child in discussions. They should have a voice to the extent they will engage in a rational, good-faith way. If you get yelling and lots of drama, that is a clear sign they are not likely ready for the responsibility of a phone, and it means they can't make mature choices—thus, you get to decide.
In talking to your child it helps to explain the "why" before you get to the "how." Help them understand your objective, and then let them suggest how to achieve that objective.
But ultimately, you are the parent, so you decide. Go into this knowing you will get it wrong and will probably need to adjust your approach. And your approach will change over the years and likely from child to child—and that is fine. But start somewhere. Engage. Parent. Then rinse and repeat until they are an adult.
How parenting provides protection (a few brief case studies)
I know some parents who do surprise inspections of their child's phone. I, myself, prefer to ask my child to give me a tour. I ask what apps he likes and why and who he engages with. I do sometimes check the photo roll.
However you do it, do something.
Here are a few situations or case studies I have known about (these are compilations of various scenarios):
Joseph’s parents routinely check his phone. He hates this but his parents do it anyway. His friends know this. One day, a friend sends a seriously offensive meme or photo but excludes Joseph since he knows Joseph’s parents check.
The other kids get in a lot of trouble when someone finds out about the meme. Joseph, however, is protected from that.
For these next scenarios, keep in mind that a) nothing ever really goes away from the internet and 2) sending or receiving of sexual content with minors is considered child pornography in many jurisdictions. Teens cannot legally give consent, so it doesn’t matter if it was entirely voluntary. It can be a source of legal jeopardy.
Ally’s parents check her phone. When a boy she likes asks for nudes, she is uncomfortable with it but feels pressure. But the fact that her parents check her phone gives her a 3rd party to blame for the choice.
Charlie is offered nudes from a girl he’s chatting with. His parents check his phone, so he declines.
Putting the shoe on the other foot, several under-age girls decide to have an account where they pose in underwear and partial nudity. They spread the word around the grade. A parent who checks their child’s phone becomes aware of this early on and contacts the parents of the girls—who end this before their child’s pictures become part of the permanent record of the internet.
The perils of privacy: a parable
I am going to stop here to address something I hear a great deal. In so many discussions about parenting adolescents and social media, I have heard parents protest that they don’t want to do anything because they value their child’s privacy and so it becomes a point of pride with them.
I get that, I really do. But first of all, I have found that when parents do their parenting based on a point of pride, it usually ends badly because it’s not about the child’s real needs in real situations.
Second, when you allow your child total privacy on social media you are simply disengaging unilaterally. No one else is doing that.
Social media is not like a diary to share one’s private thoughts. Nor is it like whispering secrets to a best friend. Nor is it like a sleepover with a few close friends.
I think it is more analogous to this scenario:
Imagine if, one day, there was a knock on the door. You open it and White Supremacists, violent political extremists of any stripe, and people who peddle pornography came to your door and said, “Hey, can we head up to to your kid’s bedroom? We have some gateway stuff that helps get kids hooked. They’ll love it!”
Another knock. “Hi, I know your child is pretty down right now. I’d love to romanticize suicide with them. I could give them some tips and maybe even a challenge. You good with that?”
Some older kids come by. “Can we hang with your kid? We’re going to talk about some of the stuff we do and like without any filters and just generally hang out in your child’s bedroom. You cool with that?”
Next comes someone your child has a crush on. “Hey I’d like to send your child some nude photos and/or pressure them to send some to me as well.”
Next an adult who is dressed in a teen-age costume. “Can I talk about sex with your kid and see if I can some compromising photos of them? Maybe I’ll just use them for enjoyment, but I could can also use them to extort your kid later.”
A few peers come by. “We have some really edgy humor with some super offensive terms in it we just heard. Can we share it with your child?”
A couple of kids your child has had conflict with stop by. “We’d love to follow your child around and tell them what a waste of space they are and make fun of them 24/7 and then share how pathetic they are with everyone in the grade.”
A couple people from a tech company come by. “Hey, we’d like to track all the places your child goes, okay? We won’t ever tell anyone or share that data unless we get hacked. Also, there are some conditions that allow us to do what we want and they are outlined in this 100 page document in small print written in medieval Latin so just sign here.”
The same people come by later, “Hey you have a daughter? Great! We’d like to share our thoughts on how much she doesn’t fit in socially and how different her body needs to be to make her worthwhile." This will be ongoing, okay?”
Last of all a super-intelligent human who never slept said “Would it be okay if I decide what your child sees online? I don’t believe in right or wrong. I don’t know or care about your values. I have no idea if what I show may harm your child and I’m not going to tell you about how I do any of this. You good?”
Giving your child unsupervised, unlimited, unfettered access to social media is like letting all these people in. They go right up to your child’s room where they shut the door and you go downstairs, because you want to give your child total privacy. The next day, you actually sound-proof your child’s room and build an exterior door to your child’s room. The door has no lock, so anyone at all can come and go. There’s no gatekeeper.
I know that sounds ridiculous but it is important to understand that when you don’t engage because of privacy, you are doing what no one else is doing. All of those other people and influences are not withdrawing. They don’t care about your child’s privacy or well-being. Your withdrawal or lack of engagement—even for noble reasons—simply clears the field and enhances the influence of others who don’t have your child’s welfare.
Privacy is important, don’t get me wrong, but it should not be something that prevents you from parenting.
Begin where you are
I have become convinced that, barring some cases at the margin, a thoughtful, engaged parent can overcome nearly anything. I really believe that.
Phones and social media require our A-game. It requires ongoing connection, consistent engagement and attention. If we can’t do that, then we are not ready for our kids to have phones.
Sure, they might be fine But there are some very real risks and I think many of us—myself included—are far too glib or casual about these risks.
I believe in very few absolutes when it comes to parenting. The things one child needs, even in the same family, are often totally different than what a sibling needs. What a child needs at one age will be different than what they need at another age. So I don’t want to imply that there is one way here.
What I am suggesting, however, is that whatever way you choose, whatever your approach, it needs to be intentional and thoughtful. It needs to be a conscious choice. And, it likely needs to adapt and change along the way.
If you, like me, have become a bit lax, then start to engage again. For me, having a routine always helps. Start where you are today and then do something to move forward. Recommit or recalibrate or whatever needs to happen.
As you consider your approach, there are a few traps I have seen parents fall into that skew their perception and prevent them from having a thoughtful, intentional plan regarding social media. I will share those next time.
Until then, I suggest you start giving some careful thought to your child’s online life and digital footprint. Think carefully and deeply. If you have a partner, talk to them as well. When you are ready, consider asking your child for some thoughts.
When you do this, remember to approach them carefully (especially if they are on summer break already). As I’ve shared before adults don’t like being hijacked by their boss, especially during free time. So help your child prepare for for important talks and special family events and give them notice if they are important to you.
I’ve stumbled on a tactic that has been almost magical in its success, at home or school. I frequently say:
"I need to talk to you about something. You choose the time, but within the next x days, I need some time. Okay?"….
"I want to have an adult-level conversation about your social media/chores/attitude/grades/whatever and give you a voice in this situation/decision. But, you have to act like an adult. You get a vote as big as your level of rational engagement. Let me know when you are ready.”
Let them know upfront how much time to plan on. Keep it brief and well-defined. “I need 20 minutes to talk about something with you.
Of course, if they don’t respond, then you get to set the time and place. But I would still suggest keeping it brief and focused.
I’ll be back in touch soon.
Happy parenting; you’ve got this!
Best,
Braden