Shedding the rules, pressures, assumptions, and expectations that burden you as a parent (Pt. 1)

Declaring your independence from the unseen but heavy expectations and burdens, whether they come from others or yourself.

I have been wanting to write for a while now a piece that shares my experience and observation that so much parenting stress comes because we feel we must comply with various norms, rules, customs, and expectations—and how to break free of them.

These various influences: pressures, expectations, unspoken imperatives, all of these things—let’s just call them “rules”—are absorbed from the larger culture, and can be imposed by other parents, as well as ourselves.

These rules—expectations, fears, pressures, burdens—again, I’ll just say “rules"—generate so many things, so many checklist items and to-dos that feel critical and even urgent for us to do.

But they are often not really critical in any sort of objective, real-world sense; it’s not as if neglecting these assumptions and demands will actually harm your child.

In fact, once we start scrutinizing a lot of these things, we will quickly realize that very little of what we feel intense pressure to do is actually going to have any serious, real-world outcome for our child’s long-term survival, happiness, success, and autonomy.

In fact, I am convinced that much of what we feel most urgently compelled to do is likely going to either have no effect in the long run, or will actually work against our child’s long-term happiness.

This idea has been percolating in my mind for a long time now, so I was really intrigued by a specific paragraph in a piece by Jessica Grose, titled “Efficiency Is an Ultimately Empty and Unattainable Life Goal.”¹

In Ms. Grose’s piece, she was making a larger point about how so much technology that promised to make our lives easier has, in reality, usually just created more expectations for parents. To this end, Ms. Grose quotes historian Ruth Schwartz Cowan, an expert on this process, and writes this important paragraph:

…it’s important to recognize that a lot of the “rules” we live by are governed by fear of not keeping up, and that fear is exploited by corporations. “If we can learn to select among the rules only those that make sense for us in the present, we can begin to control household technology instead of letting it control us,” Cowan wrote.

For now, let’s leave out the focus on technology because I think that is actually one symptom of a much larger problem.

I’m going to paraphrase Ms. Cowan’s statement to say, this: If we can learn to select among the rules only those that make sense for us in the present, we can begin to control [parenting expectations] instead of letting them control us.

I also want to suggest another modification. Based on my observations and own experience over the years, I agree that the “rules” we live by are certainly governed by a fear of not keeping up.

However, I think that the influence of corporations, while important via advertising, are less important and less influential to this larger process than are the other parents we are around, the culture in our local parenting bubbles, the media we consume, the people we give access to our minds as influencers, and other more personally-controlled factors.

We are also governed by our own insecurities, assumptions, and expectations.

There is good news on this front. This also means we can make changes to the pressure we may feel.

What if I told you that you could be free of a lot of these rules, these pressures and burdens you feel?

What if I said I could tell you how to shed a lot of this pressure and learn to focus your parenting efforts, time, and energy only on what you feel is truly necessary and important in the long run?

There is a way to do this, and I know this because my wife and I experienced it.

It’s one of those things that is really simple but comes with a price you have to be willing to pay. But if you pay that price, you can experience a huge amount of freedom.

I’ll write more about this soon. For now, however, I really want to ask you to do some deep thinking and reflections. If you have a spouse or partner in your parenting, hopefully you can do this together.

Assuming this resonates with you and you feel the pressure of the “rules”—and if this doesn’t apply to you, that is wonderful, congratulations!— what are the rules and expectations that cause you the most stress and worry about your parenting? What unspoken pressures and assumptions guide your parenting? What kind of things do you feel most stressed or overwhelmed about? What leaves you exhausted? What do you wish you didn’t have to do anymore? What would you like to focus on?

I should also say that if you are burdened by real-world, objective realities, such as earning a living, relationship problems, health challenges, etc., this particular process won’t help you with those, I am sorry to say. I am talking about pressures and problems and burdens that we absorb based on expectations around us or in our own minds.

Give this some thought, and then I will write soon to share my story and how my wife and I were able to get over and past these pressures—and give some suggestions on how I think you can, too.

Until then, happy parenting! Despite any unseen rules and expectations, I truly believe you’ve got this.

Warmly,
Braden

1. Jessica Grose. “Efficiency Is an Ultimately Empty and Unattainable Life Goal.” The New York Times. July 5, 2025.