Simple steps to having more self-control for parents and teaching self-control to kids. An Essay (&) Questions feature.
There's some good news: Willpower is not the same as self-control, and self-control is a series of skills and habits we can learn, practice, and improve.
I came across an interesting piece in The New York Times, on the topic of will-power and self-control.
I thought it sounded like a great topic for an Essay & Questions feature.
Teaching children to have more self-control is a fundamental part of parenting.
And who wouldn’t want to be able to teach their children how to develop more self-control? Think of all the good things a child with well-developed self-control can achieve. Think of all the bad things a child with well-developed self-control can avoid!
Additionally, I know a lot of parents who often lament that they don’t feel like they have a lot of self-control and have a nagging sense that they are not as “adult” as they feel they should be at their ages.
This isn’t exactly a brand new topic, but the title caught my eye since it is a bit counterintuitive on the surface:
Want More Self-Control? The Secret Isn’t Willpower.1
In one way, it appears counterintuitive, but at the same time, it made some intuitive sense to me.
It was also encouraging, as I don’t have the greatest degree of willpower. I’m not one of those people who decide something once—I’ll never eat sugar again—and just stick with it from then on.
I’ve really tried, many times, this approach, on many things in my life. But for whatever reason, it just doesn’t seem to work with me.
So I like the idea that self-control and willpower might be two different things, and that there may be a way to attain the former without the latter.
To be honest, I am not sure the article is quite what I had hoped it would be: I was sort of hoping for more somehow—more ideas or more specifics, perhaps. (It is likely that the reporter was only allotted a small-ish word count, though. Within that limitation, it is very good!)
Nevertheless, there are some good ideas and suggestions and I found something worthwhile things for myself.
I was further intrigued by the subtitle:
People who can delay gratification and master their impulses thrive in life. And experts say that you can learn skills to rein in bad habits.
I am a big believer in the idea that you can learn to be better at anything by being taught and then by practicing.
You may not, for example, be born a great singer, but if you learn the skills and techniques, you will undoubtedly be a better singer than you were, and may become quite good.
It’s the same for nearly anything else I can think of.
So it makes sense to me that the same thing would be true for self-discipline. And again, there is a double benefit here. These skills can be applied to our own lives, but they can also help a great deal in our parenting.
Most kids are not born with huge amounts of self-control. Most kids need to learn it, and this gives you some specifics to teach them.
Let’s start with an important question and answer:
First, what is ‘self-control’ and why does it matter?”
Traditionally, psychologists have defined self-control as the ability to wait for later, larger rewards. But it can also be thought of as a way to alter your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to reach a specific goal. When we have self-control, we can resist unhealthy impulses and persevere when we feel like quitting, experts say.
I had to read that a few times and break it down. The components of self-control are:
The ability to wait for later, larger rewards. Another term for this is delayed gratification and it is not something most teens and adolescents are great at.
A way to alter your internal motivations and external choices in order to reach a specific goal.
Already, I found that helpful. I don’t feel that I have a lot of self-control, but when I take time to think about it and make it conscious, I am pretty good at deferred gratification. For the last year, I’ve been working on a healthier lifestyle and often find success in overcoming temptation by saying, “That won’t make me happy.”
Using these definitions more consciously will be a big help, I think, and accelerate my progress.
It matters because:
People with stronger self-control are more likely to report higher levels of flourishing and find greater success in life than others; for example, better academic performance, higher earnings, better physical health and better relationships.
Willpower is not the same as self-control
As I mentioned above, the article clarifies something important, telling us that “…willpower shouldn’t be confused with self-control.”
It turns out that, “While you can use willpower to manage your emotions or fight temptation, research suggests that it may not be the most effective method.”
After all, “To improve willpower, it boils down to “just try harder,” said Kentaro Fujita, a professor of psychology at Ohio State University who studies self-regulation and decision making.”
What about when we are too tired to try harder? Or just don’t feel like it?
The good news, however, is that, “…self-control involves a set of skills that can be learned, he [Prof. Fujita] added.” (Emphasis mine).